How to embrace the unknown in uncertain times.

Photo by Kyle Glenn on Unsplash

After sharing my last blog about coming out of lockdown, it seems that most people are feeling a mixture of emotions right now. I’ve been reflecting on what the trickiest aspect of ‘emergence’ might be. Yes, we have a roadmap back to some kind of normality. But, despite this plan, there is still so much we don’t know. Things could still change depending on how the next few months pan out. Add to this, most of us will continue to go through our own personal changes and adjustments too.  

“Last year was uncertain. This year is uncertain. The future is uncertain. And with all this uncertainty going around, it’s hard to stay focused on the present. In fact, many of us are so worried about what the next few months will bring that it’s trashing our productivity in the here and now.” (Source: Awesome Institute)

Hmm. This sounds familiar, and has definitely been ringing true for me. Some days I spend more time thinking about what may or may not happen that I forget to look at what’s right in front of me. In this article in Psychology Today, Elliot D. Cohen Ph.D. explains that our need for clarity is about the fear of losing control. “It is this contradiction between the demand for certainty and the reality of uncertainty that will continuously play out again and again without resolution—unless you give up the demand for certainty. It is you who must concede; reality won't ever give up its uncertainty for you.”

So, what if there was a different way to look at it? If certainty is never guaranteed, we need to learn to embrace the unknown. This got me thinking about times when I’ve purposely given up the demand for certainty, and what’s happened as a result.

When I took voluntary redundancy, I had no plan. I remember when my boss checked if I was sure about my decision, and asked what I might do next. My reply? “I don’t know, and to be honest, I’m sh*tting myself. But I know that if I don’t do this now, I will regret it.” I had some limited savings plus the redundancy pay-out to tide me over for a while. But I was single after a divorce, with a big mortgage and bills to pay.

Rather than panic (OK, I did a panic a little bit…) I decided to take it step-by-step. Step 1: Take the summer off. Step 2: Go to Bali for a month on a retreat with Unsettled, a global community for those who embrace the unknown. So, my ‘plan’ simply became to just see what happened, and figure it out as I went along. Probably for the first time ever, I was truly going with the flow, living moment to moment.

After a while, this open-minded approach became really liberating. As I finished my final weeks at work, colleagues would ask what I was going to do next. I would reply “I don’t know, I’m going with the flow!”. It gave me a sense of real excitement; a renewed energy and belief that anything was possible.

However, when a man from Cornwall (visiting his brother in London) invited me for cocktails on a sunny Friday, I originally hesitated. “What’s the point?” I thought. “He lives hundreds of miles away, plus I’m heading to Bali for a month”. But after a friend said to me “What else are you doing on Friday?”, to which I replied “Nothing!” – I decided to go with the flow.

And so, I met the man. And let’s just say the cocktails were good. I did still go to Bali. But, the story doesn’t end there. Because four years later, we’re still together, and I’m living in St Ives, Cornwall. Has it been plain sailing? Far from it. There have been more ups and downs than I could have imagined, but by embracing uncertainty, my life has gone in a direction I could never have planned for.

“Life itself is normally a little bit like that. If it’s ever in danger of seeming calm, it’s simply because we’re in-between two very large waves” – Alain de Botton (Quote taken from podcast interview: ‘Doing it Right’ by Pandora Sykes)

So, as we all face these waves again now, I’ve been reminding myself of the things that helped me to navigate the ebbs and flows during my own journey.

Accept the uncertainty. Take a moment to sit and truly feel all of the emotions that come up. “I’m scared about xxx and it makes me feel afraid…” Acknowledge the anxious thoughts. As my coach once said to me, the inner voice that is imagining every possible worst-case scenario is just trying to keep you safe. Listen to it, but also reassure it. “Thank you, I hear you. I know you’re worried about me. But remember, you’ve overcome hurdles before, and that most of what you’re worrying about won’t actually happen.”

Remind yourself of those times when life didn’t go according to plan. We all have them. Confession: I f*cked up my A-levels. Not entirely. But I didn’t get the predicted grades, so all of my university choices wouldn’t accept me. Eventually, I went through the clearing process, and ended up in Southampton doing a course that wasn’t even on my radar. And guess what? It ended up being even better than I could have possibly imagined. So, remind yourself of those moments where things went pear-shaped and how you overcame them. This is evidence of what you’re capable of.

Resign yourself to live by probabilities, not by guarantees. [¹] I love the Chinese concept of Wu Wei (meaning “non-doing"). It’s part of the philosophy of Taoism and means natural action. For example, action that does not involve struggle or excessive effort. Wu Wei is about learning to practice a state of mind where we allow ourselves to align with the flow of life. It’s an acceptance of the essential turbulence of life and the surrender to it. 

Enjoy the journey. There is so much magic to be had in the uncertain moments. It’s the beauty of spontaneity, the delights of serendipity. Think about a time when something wonderfully unexpected happened; a chance encounter, an unforeseen opportunity. Who doesn’t want to create space for more of those?

To be honest, just writing this article has been cathartic. I’ve reminded myself that embracing uncertainty means appreciating the ‘now’, as well as taking small, positive steps forward. And rather than focusing on what might go wrong, I’m going to focus on what might go magically right.

References: [¹] "The Fear of Losing Control" - Elliot D. Cohen Ph.D. published in Psychology Today, May 22, 2011.

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