How do we figure out our personal values?
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash
In my last blog, I talked about how values can help guide us, and where they come from. Put simply, your values should reflect the things that are most important to you; not just at work, but in how you live. But, how do we figure them out? And once you have defined them, then what? What does it actually mean to ‘live by your values’?
“Your values influence that little voice in your head that tells you whether or not to care about something and how you should prioritise your time. They help determine what you truly want out of life while simultaneously acting as the measuring stick you use to tell if you’re satisfied with your current situation and living in a meaningful way.” (Source: What are Values, Life Hack)
Back in 2015, I was divorced, feeling pretty lost, and desperately trying to make some sense out of my tangled thoughts. I came across the School of Life, a global organisation devoted to helping you understand yourself better. I tentatively signed up to their seminar on ‘How to Choose a Partner’. I remember heading there after work and even wondering, “Maybe I will actually meet a hot, single man in the class….!”
Unfortunately, no such luck; that would have been much too easy. The class focused on learning more about ourselves, about other people, about life and the way we want to live. As part of that, we were asked to write a list of the qualities we were looking for in a partner. Rich and handsome didn’t count. We needed to delve deeper.
So, I came up with the following list:
Self-aware
Curious
Open minded
Passionate
Independent
It was like a lightbulb going off in my head. It seems really simple now, but I just hadn’t been this clear before. The hopeless romantic in me had become blind to what really mattered. Soon, ‘The List’ became the benchmark for every first date, to make sure I didn’t fall into the trap of running after men that just weren’t right for me.
Fast forward to 2017, and Mr Cornwall walked into my life, and those values are what sealed the deal.
The significance of that list has never left me. In fact, it’s saved in my phone notes forever, along with other tips from the class. I still haven’t managed to read ‘Daring Greatly’ by Brené Brown, and I just can’t for the life of me remember what ‘Eighth Day’ was a reference to, despite lots of Googling. But that list, dated 19 May 2015 was a key moment; and the start of really understanding what was important to me.
Before then, I’d been so busy rushing through life, trying to reach certain milestones, never taking the time to pause. I hadn’t stopped to make sure I was focused on the right things. This is true for so many of us. We’re so impatient to get to the next thing, and before we know it, responsibilities take over, we start living according to other people’s expectations, and eventually our own doubts and fears get in the way.
By really honing in on my own personal values, it’s given me better self-awareness, and a better connection to myself. I feel like they sum up my attitude to life, which means I am much clearer about what I’m doing and why. They give me a direction in which to grow, and of the things I want to cultivate. My values help me to make decisions, and when I start to feel off track, I come back to them, to remind me where to focus my energy.
So, here are my top 5 personal values. These words might mean different things to different people, and that’s OK. Values are subjective. The way I interpret them are very personal to me. And it’s not a case of some values being ‘better’ than others. But I hope by sharing mine, it will give some insight into how they work.
Curiosity: I’m still not really sure where my endless curiosity comes from, but I’m pretty sure I was born with it. I used to read encyclopaedias for fun when I was a kid. I always want to dig deeper, and am fascinated by how things are connected. I get a kick out of studying, and my constant thirst for knowledge drives me in my business and my spare time.
Passionate: Anyone who knows me well, will say I get overexcited easily. I love travel, food, art, and music. Jumping on planes. Trying new flavours. Wandering around galleries. Curating playlists. When I experience something new I just want to share it. Yes, I’m that person on social media saying ‘Have you seen / heard / looked at this?’ It gives me energy, which I’m told is infectious.
Supportive: I’m all about supporting others. Not to get something back, but just because it feels good. I love connecting people who might be able to help each other out in some way. Whether it’s giving a shout-out to a local business on social media, or encouraging someone to play on their strengths, I believe we rise by lifting others.
Growth: This feeds into my curiosity; something inside me feels driven to keep on learning. About myself, about others, about the world. Sometimes it can be tiring, as it feels like I’m always on a ‘journey’. It means I get itchy feet quickly, but on the plus-side, I get motivated by trying something new. And when sh*t gets tough, I tend to see it as an opportunity to grow – e.g. “What did I learn from this?”
Kindness: This sounds like a really obvious one, but unfortunately sometimes we can be unkind. If I find myself gossiping, I stop and check-in to ask myself why. When someone reacts badly or behaves in a certain way, I try and understand what might be going on for them. I smile and say hello to strangers. Oh, and cards. I send a lot of cards.
There are lots of other things that are important to me, including adventure, creativity, integrity, openness and being joyful. The list goes on. But by really honing in on what feels most important to me, it’s given me a framework to work with, a sense of purpose, and most of all, a direct link to when I feel happiest.
Do you want to get clear on what’s really important to you?
You might like my Personal Values Workshop – which combines an interactive values exercise, together with an insightful conversation, to help you figure out what truly motivates and drives you.
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